Tied for Third

2011-02-07T17:17:00.011-06:00

Friday's Top 10: Favorite things

Top Ten lists will now and forever be a way for busy or lazy me to still squeeze in my weekly blog post.... or still miss by one day.

Don't get me wrong, I'm a huge fan of brown paper packages tied up with string, but here are a few of my truly favorite things... (off the top of my head)

10. Driving like a race car driver no matter where I go and always, always cursing at other cars; independent of whether they are driving slow or tailgating me- I am always in the right. Are you the center of the universe? No, I am. Go away.

9. Total strangers high-fiving at professional/college sporting events (or at bars, whilst watching aforementioned events).

8. Quoting a movie and then having others know exactly what you are talking about and spending the next 15 minutes trading movie quotes and/or impersonations of the film, character or actor.

7. The first time each spring I notice the weather is nice enough for girls to go running in their warm weather clothes : )

6. Three day weekends (specifically having Monday off), nothing amps-up a weekend like 2 Saturdays in a row.

5. Organized drinking events for people over 25. Yeah life sucks after college, the good news is, it just keeps getting worse. The best remedy (albeit a temporary one); get together with a bunch of like-minded, disappointed individuals that are all in desperate need to blow-off some grown-up steam and act like your still in college (three day weekends are a good opportunity to implore this self-medication without compromising your scheduled trips to Lowe's and Bed, Bath and Beyond).*
*- Please note: The more fun you have on the weekend, the worse Monday will be. Nope, there's no way to win. Good luck.

4. Finding out that a "poop transplant" can be used to successfully fight the dangerous infection Clostridium difficile.

3. Major network news reporters using the word 'poop' on live TV.

2. Aaron Rodgers Championship Belt Motion

1. Finding out that coming up with a clever top 10 list, probably took just as long -if not longer- than writing a normal blog posting.

Happy Monday.

2011-01-26T16:02:00.002-06:00

Observations at the Gym

So I hit up the gym before work many week days... it ramps up my work day and forces me to perform a focused workout in 45 minutes... Here are a 3 things I came across just today that I feel the need to get off my chest, no pun intended (you'll see why)...

1. I'm walking from the toilet to my locker, after my lucky pre-workout bowel movement. I pass the urinals to see a grown man, fully nude standing at the urinals barefoot taking a wizz- with his towel around his shoulders. His hair is wet, which tells me he has already showered. This raises two important concerns:
A: why does his towel only need to dry his shoulders? Why not use it to dry (or at least cover) his wet, hairy ass cheeks that he is apparently so proud of? Look, I love gagging in public and having to avert my eyes around every possible corner as much as the next guy in the locker room. But if you're so proud of that specific body part, I'd imagine you'd want to take proper care of it. That's not the kind of gluteual-trophy you want to leave to the pitfalls of air-drying, lord only knows what kind of tangled mess could result without proper drying technique followed by detailed attention to combing (with the grain) using the 'my little pony' hair brush he stole from his theater-loving son.
B: He is barefoot standing at a urinal, post shower. We all know that despite our ability to aim when we pee, no man is perfect and there's also the 'dribble factor,' to account for. Having to control the flow of urine during drastic changes in pressure and trajectory is no easy feet; I'm not a fireman. So its safe to say the area all around the urinal is covered (at least partially) in urine- this tells me he is okay with (or oblivious to) spending the rest of the day with other mens' urine caked to the bottom of his feet, left to fester in the heat and moisture of a socked-foot within a shoe. Not really my business, but the observation simply reinforces my decision to own my own bowling shoes.

2. I'm walking back to my locker, clean and towel-clad following my post workout shower. When I come to my row of lockers I am faced with man-euvering past a half-naked old man- my favorite. Thanks to the economy-sized locker room, we have little room to execute a masculinely acceptable man-pass, even if both parties perform flawlessly. However, in this instance one party (not me) happens to be an octogenarian that is blinder and deafer than my parents 16-year-old Yorkshire Terrier (who has btw, earned the nickname "Terminator" over the last 3 years, because he just won't die). So I come up on this old man's blind side (like an invisible Lawrence Taylor) and I say 'excuse me.' Well, he doesn't see or hear me and continues about his business of getting naked before suiting up in his crusty old jock strap and bitchin racquetball tracksuit. As I pass, he obliviously leans back to remove his business socks and my chest makes tender, innocent contact with his upper back. 'Excuse me,' I say again; he jumps forward startled as though I were the ghost of Patrick Swazee and he Demi Moore- No we did not renact the sensual pot-throwing scene from Ghost. The pass was completed and I made it safely to my locker, but not without irreparable emotional damage. It was not an experience I want to repeat, but I will say- you haven't lived until you feel another man's back hair gently intertwine with your chest hair; more intimate than watching Ray Kinsella have a catch with his dad in Field of Dreams... Is this heaven? No its the men's locker room- don't touch me.

3. Finally- I'm getting dressed to go to work and I see 2 guys, (2!) using spray deodorant in the locker room. Not axe body spray, good ole Mennen aerosol deodorant. Is this the 1950's? Seriously, how many decades has it been since in the invention of roll-on/gel deodorant or even antiperspirant? Do these guys still smoke on airplanes, dictate memos to typewriter-wielding secretaries, drink bourbon at work and not let their wives speak unless spoken- except when announcing that dinner is ready? (I'm kidding on the last three, who doesn't still do those?) My message to those guys: Look, its not that I don't love watching you intimately crop dust each side of your nude torso in front of the community sinks, layering every piece of bathroom hardware (that I have to use) in a fine mist of scent-impregnated chemicals... and I can handle that diaper-fresh baby powder scent slowly creeping into every corner of the locker room, eventually invading my innocent nasal cavity... but when I can literally taste how clean your arm pits are- well that's where I would prefer to draw the line (or in your case- airbrush the line). But if that is how you want to play it, I'd like for you lick my deodorant stick a few times and then apply said helping to my armpit with your tongue, so you can get full experience. Unnecessary? Maybe. Poignant? In many ways. So please, unless you have a medical condition- lets stick with the regular roll-on. And lets face it, if you have medical condition with regard to sweating, you probably shouldn't be working out anyway. Especially around others, because most likely your condition is contagious, just like communism.

2011-01-20T11:05:00.001-06:00

Deeper than the freshly Fallen Snow...

At times I have definitely felt like there is something missing in my life and I have tried to fill that gap with other things in the past. What I have discovered is that those other things only seemed to provide a momentary distraction/relief and eventually wore off. I think the true key to filling that gap is genuine happiness; from love, spirituality and living a positive life.

I think just a few nut-jobs have given Christianity a bad name, with their over-zealous lifestyles and belief-systems. It seems very hip these days to keep God at arms length and to write-off Christians as "Jesus freaks." I know there are plenty of people out there who ARE Jesus freaks, but it doesn't mean normal people can't have Christ in their lives or at least live a spiritually driven life.

Everything swings on a big proverbial "pendulum" and right now, religion is very 'out there' partly because it has become a partisan issue in the public eye (in my opinion). Eventually the pendulum will swing back, religion will shake this "extremist" reputation (in the states at least) and it will start bringing more and more people together- as it should. What people need to remember is that just because we are christian (or religious) doesn't mean we are automatically 'good' people. Spirituality should bring out the best in us and help us deal with everything else in us that isn't.

So yes, everyone will struggle and no one will be a perfect christian, that doesn't make us hypocrites for attending church or wanting/trying to be better people- it makes us human. If religion can bring out the goodness we all have in common as people and help us to accept all the other flaws we may carry, it could (and has, and will) unify vast amounts of people- that's an incredibly powerful possibility- excites me even to think about it.

2011-01-14T17:38:00.004-06:00

On a Going Forward Basis...

"On a going forward basis" that was one of my LEAST favorite corporate catch-phrases when I worked for a big company. On a going forward basis? What's wrong with the classic "From now on"? Its shorter, more efficient, more easily understandable and therefore more effective.

I think I'll start making up corporate catch-phrases that make little-to-no sense and see if I can get them to float. Let's start simple and get more and more absurd as we go. The idea is to infect the entire office and eventually get others to use your lingo. The best part is, you can use your lingo in any situation, because it should never make sense. As long as it is said with confidence and not dwelt upon, it will simply be understood within the context its used.

It could actually be a competitive office game, and the higher up the person is that uses your phrase, the higher your rank. Whomever gets the big boss to parrot his or her slogan first wins. Wins what, you ask? How 'bout a few hours of happy, interesting work day hours in a sea miserable time-wasting monotony and boredom- sounds good to me. But if you get busted or called out, you're out of the game and are sworn to secrecy... on a going forward basis.

Feel free to post your 'office garble' suggestions; here are a few I like:

"incentivize out-of-the-box solutions"

"keep now under a time-scrutiny basis"

"lets monetize our focus on frictionless action items"

"incubate efficient e-commerce synergies"

"visualize sexy web-readiness"

2010-11-24T15:22:00.003-06:00

CBE CLASSIC 2010 FINALS

The Cats fought valiantly, but were out-matched by a very talented Duke team. Congrats to Coach K on his 800th win.

2009-12-02T12:27:00.001-06:00

TIGER DROPS THE BALL

Man that sucks for tiger. The higher you are, the farther you fall.

I liken this type of thing to drunk driving; it is costly, stupid and dangerous. So why has EVERYONE done it at one time or another? because it is just easier. Its easier to drive home than call a cab, it doesn't matter if it is wrong. EVERYONE has done it, its just a matter of who gets caught.

Over the last 10 years we have heard about innumerable cases of superstars cheating and lying, etc... whether it be in sports, their personal lives or whatever. I don't know why this should come as any big shock, superstars are people that are extremely talented at one thing, but otherwise they are normal people. The only difference is that they are surrounded by tremendous wealth, temptation and scrutiny. I don't blame any of them for their indiscretions.

Sadly, it seems that no matter how great your life may be, eventually you get bored with it. Eventually you want something different, a change of pace, a little excitement. People want to feel the 'rush' of being alive; you do anything long enough and that rush disappears. Are we all just 'rush' junkies, continuously upping the ante as life goes on?

What's most bothersome is that it seems human nature is to find the path of least resistance (aka the easy way) to get what we want and it generally tends to be lying, cheating and stealing. So does that mean everyone does it, and its just a matter of who gets caught?

How scary is that?

2009-04-14T11:17:00.001-05:00

Bien Venido!

Everyone knows there is only one way to kick-off Cinco de Mayo, and that is-
Hungover.  So we're throwing a "Quatro de Mayo" shin-dig Friday May 1st.

This party/bar-b-que will not only be a celebration of the Mexico's victory
over Panama for the highest rate of child kidnappings, but it will also be
in honor of Eric Richard Anderson's 28th Birthday! (in addition to a late
celebration of Epstein's 19th)

This is more of a binge-drinking bar-b-que, than a party.  We will be
employing our resident homeless guy to grill up some burgers, dogs, brats,
breasts and ribs, along with any other meat provided.  If you want to be
"that guy" who brings an absurdly huge steak, seasons it for 30 minutes then
wants to cook it himself -like a jackass- that is fine too.

If you'd planned on going to the Royals game, skip it- because we'll have it
on the boob-tube.  Furthermore, I plan on attempting the "1 beer 1 hot dog
(per inning) challenge" and anyone is welcome to join me.  We will also have
some delicious B-day cake and assorted finger/snacking foods and side
dishes.  Also, I will be contributing my unprecidented creation- "Rusty's
12-layer dip."

You are welcome to bring your own booze and alcohol by-products, but we will
be providing a few batches of 'hop-skip-and go naked' as well as Anderson's
famous HELLO!-Jello Shots. If you're feeling really latino, we will also
have a new adventure of a shot, called the "Live Cougar" -Quantities will be
limited.

In hopes of pleasant weather, the festivities will continue in the backyard
as we have a brand new set of washers (some white trash game that Tom Grams
plays; something to do with KU sports and all-male leap from, I think)...

And finally, Hensler gave some chick the tongue tornado on the dance floor at
Cactus Cafe a couple weeks ago that works for a company called 'Fun Services'
and now she's hooking us up with a dunk tank for dirt cheap, so bring
your fun hat and a change of clothes because everyone will get a chance to
dunk or be dunked. -if we can swing it, the tank will be filled with
tequilla instead of water.

As always the evening will conclude around 10-11pm, then we will debate
about which bars to go to for roughly 45 minutes and then head to Kelly's,
Harpo's and back to Kelly's...

Please come see us on friday afternoon/evening and help us ring in the
Japanese New Year.

2009-04-14T10:31:00.004-05:00

WORK HAPPENS

This hilarious tale was sent to me by a friend of mine, read and enjoy...

So I work in a pretty small office, as the company I work for only has 8 on-site employees. Without giving anything away, it just so happens that the floor plan has all the offices centered around the bathrooms. The atmosphere here is a friendly one, and no one has their office doors closed- ever.

The two bathrooms at the center of the office are singles, with only one door separating the private rooms from the outside world. In my opinion, there is a little too much space between the floor and the bottoms of the bathroom doors, allowing an uncomfortable amount of sound to escape from these temporary work havens. From my desk I can hear the sink, the paper towel dispenser and the toilet flush pretty easily, though never any bodily functions to this point.

So its Tuesday and 930 am strikes, this means one thing for me- time for a duece break. I grab my cellphone, the latest issue of Newsweek and head for the jon. So I'm in the bathroom doing my business, keeping it down, relaxing and relieving myself of last night's lasagna and pineapple upside down cake -along with the occasional gas pocket- letting it slip quietly into toilet below. Once I'm all set, I finish the featured article about how America needs to start spending again and stop hording their money, and I reach for the T.P.

Side Note: My method of post-# 2 clean up involves leaning on one cheek, and raising the other off the toilet seat in order get an appropriate angle on the wiping area. One downfall of this approach, is that it exposes the balloon knot to the outside world- no longer contained by the muffled safety of the porcelain bowl. The second -and less common- risk is that it puts the wiping hand directly in harms way.

So here I am, leaning on my left cheek and cocking my hips to raise my right cheek up and reaching under with a fist full of two-ply. When at this vulnerable angle, in this little bathroom, in a quiet office for all to hear, a leftover armada of gas emerges at full force. Have you ever watched someone trying to get their hands to their face in time to cover a sneeze, but they don't make it and flem goes spraying everywhere... I let rip just one giant fart that seemed to all come out in one burst, sounding like the bark a veloca raptor and feeling as wide as a mayonnaise jar- The fart echos off the walls in the bathroom. Not only is it big and loud, but apparently wet. I suddenly realize, the remnants of my prior procedure are now sprayed all over my innocent generic charmin-wielding hand.

Torn between the embarrassment of being a grown man that has just splouched on his hand and being the new guy at work that just let a giant meaty fart rip for all my office to hear, I waddle around the bathroom washing, wiping and wallowing. Once I'm finished cleaning hands, cheeks, toilet seats, etc... I quietly turn the light off in the bathroom and open the door, I hold my head high and walk cautiously back to my desk.

As I pass my boss's office, I hold my breath and wait for him to make a comment (He is the closest to the bathroom, and a total jokester). As it turns out, he has a customer in the office they've been talking the whole time, hopefully they didn't hear me. Two steps past his door, I'm sure I'm in the clear and I let out a sigh of relief. But then he yells at me to come back and meet the customer. He introduces me and I reach out with my freshly cleaned, but recently sh*t on hand, and shake with the gentleman. After some light conversation, I bid them adieu and walk back to my desk. I sit down, rattled but relieved. I have a drink of water and think to myself- well, it could have been worse...

2007-01-05T21:47:00.000-06:00

Still alive and kicking, just been on hiatus for about a year. More to come...

2006-01-09T14:49:00.000-06:00

MR. BUN-BUN TIES THE KNOT!

Congratulations Mr. and Mrs. Charles Barrett Kroll. My good friend and high school home-skillet Barrett, announced to me Sunday, that on Saturday January, 7th 2006 he proposed to his girlfriend and now finance' Abby(sp) in his flat in Kansas City. The tentative date for the wedding is August of 2006. Congratulations to both of you on this wonderful occassion, I'm looking forward to the bachelor party...

2005-10-20T14:37:00.000-05:00

Well, eveyone I will keep this brief as to let the photograph of this beautiful serahpim speak for itself. Here is the newest addition to the Clayton family, my niece; Mia Marie.

2005-09-20T10:40:00.000-05:00

I would like to direct your attention to a site called www.topleftpixel.com. This site has pictures taken by a gentleman from Canada, archived and updated daily as far as I know. Let me just say they are "scrumtralescent." Please do yourself a favor and check it out. It will give you a chance to pause and take a moment to enjoy the world we live in.

[daily dose of Imagery]
Courtesy of topleftpixel.com

2005-08-31T11:56:00.000-05:00

Death has recently released their latest LP "Plans" I highly recommend picking it up. This should tied everyone (b. kroll) over until I update after this weekend in San Fransico, Where I will be Surfing on the Pacific Ocean. Mozel-mozel.

2005-08-11T11:54:00.000-05:00

Welcome to Tied for Third.

Anyone can win at something and it's even easier to lose. I know of numerous people who have gotten second, but do you remember the last time someone tied for third? Now that is an accomplishment, something to be really proud of.

Tying for third not only builds character, but it shows that while you were really good at whatever you did, you were just bad enough to get almost zero recognition for it and will most likely, be forgotten in no time.

That is the modus operandi of this site

Be careful in tying for third however; they don't waste time making two third place medals. One guy gets the medal and the other gets the flowers.

Go for the medal.